This article was published in the Appaloosa Journal, July 2006,Vol 60, No.7

When you lose your horse, grieving can help you heal-and let you love again.

When Kathy Smart put down her Appaloosa stallion, Spats Domino, she knew she was doing the right thing. "He was 26 years old and had neurological problems," recalls Kathy, a racehorse breeder in Orland, California. The morning "Spats" couldn't walk to her in a straight line, she knew the time had come to say goodbye. "The day I made the decision, it wasn't hard at all. I had known it was coming," she says.

All the same, adds Kathy, "He was my bud. I had him for 24 years, and I loved him. It was difficult looking out the window at his paddock. We've been here for 19 years, and he'd been there, out that window, for 19 years. That was hard."

There's nothing easy about saying goodbye to a loved one, and the loss is no less real or less painful when the loved one is a horse, not a human. After all, you probably think of your horse as a member of the family, a best friend and a partner in achieving your dreams.

The sad truth is, with an average equine life span of just 20 to 30 years, not to mention the many traumas that can take your pal away even sooner, you'll very likely outlive your horse. Whether you have to make that final decision to let him go or it happens naturally, you'll probably feel grief, pain, sadness, and perhaps even anger or guilt. And those emotions, while completely natural and, for the most part, healthy, can make you wonder if you'll ever enjoy riding again or ever allow another horse into your heart.

In this article, horsewoman and licensed clinical psychologist Margot Nacey, Ph.D., offers some insights and advice to help you heal-and to guide you back into the saddle again.

GO AHEAD AND GRIEVE
" People grieve differently, and each person's grief takes its own path," says Margot. Situations differ, too. How your horse died, how long you owned him, how close you were to him, your own past experiences, and whether or not you already have another horse in your life all affect how you might handle your horse's passing. For that reason, there's no one "right way" to move through the grieving process.
Most important, says Margot, "Don't deny your feelings. Our society doesn't make grief legitimate. But those feelings are real and true."

Margot also believes that talking through your experience and your feelings can help the healing. However, she cautions, "Be careful to whom you talk. If you're going to talk about your animal, go to non judgmental friends who are supportive and empathetic. People whose pets aren't members of the family and who don't know how deep the human-pet bond is won't understand how deep your grief runs."

Sometimes, she adds, even professional horse people may not offer the best shoulder to cry on. Having been through the experience so often, they may have developed a tough skin. Plus, says Margot, "They may work with thousands of horses, but we're connected on an individual level to one."

Support groups for people who've lost animals can be another helpful option, says Margot, allowing you to share your grief with kindred spirits.

NO NEED TO FORGET
Creating a memorial is another way to help handle the loss. Since many horse owners aren't able to bury their horses on their property, a memorial can take the place of the missing tombstone. It can help to honor your friend while giving you a special way to remember the good times.

Choose a memorial that's meaningful to you. Margot, for instance, keeps small braids of tail hair from each horse she's lost. Leslie Coey, a Monroe, Washington, endurance rider, has photo albums for each of her horses. Since having to euthanize her 21-year-old Appaloosa mare Gov's Miss Moolah, she says, "It's fun to take out the photo album and look at the photos of her over the years-the things we did, the trail rides we went on."

Creating a memorial is another way to help handle the loss. Since many horse owners aren't able to bury their horses on their property, a memorial can take the place of the missing tombstone. It can help to honor your friend while giving you a special way to remember the good times.

Choose a memorial that's meaningful to you. Margot, for instance, keeps small braids of tail hair from each horse she's lost. Leslie Coey, a Monroe, Washington, endurance rider, has photo albums for each of her horses. Since having to euthanize her 21-year-old Appaloosa mare Gov's Miss Moolah, she says, "It's fun to take out the photo album and look at the photos of her over the years-the things we did, the trail rides we went on."

Other memorial ideas include planting a tree, a rose bush or small flower garden in memory of your horse; making a collage of cherished photos or show ribbons; hanging a commemorative plaque; or simply having a special spot where you go to remember your special horse.

If it fits with your personal beliefs, picturing your horse "in a better place" can also help ease your pain. "I believe [horses] have souls, like people, and that makes it easier," says Kathy.

Having lost her husband to cancer 18 years ago, Kathy says, "I figure Spats and my husband are up there together. At times, that's comforting to me. My husband has his horse back, and Spats is up there tearing around a pasture with a herd of mares."

DEALING WITH GUILT
When you have to make the decision to euthanize your horse, you may end up not only dealing with grief, but also perhaps dealing with a sense of guilt. It's not uncommon for people to wonder, "Did I do the right thing?"

People often tend to blame themselves," says Margot. "So I tell them, `You did all that you possibly could. We're only human beings. Don't be so hard on yourself."' Like Kathy, Leslie had no doubts about putting her mare to sleep. That sort of inner confidence is key to avoiding lingering doubts and feelings of guilt over your decision.

"The tears flowed," says Leslie. "It was sad to come home from the vet clinic with an empty trailer, and the other two mares whinnying, thinking she was coming home. I still wish she was here, but she was miserable by then. She had severe laminitis, and one of her hind feet completely sloughed off. I never would have sold her, and it bothered me having this big, beautiful animal put down."

But, she continues, "You can't keep them alive for your sake. You can't let them suffer."

In fact, Kathy says if she has any doubts about her decision to euthanize Spats, it's to wonder if perhaps she waited too long. In general, she says, if you're at a point where you feel it's necessary to end your horse's life, then probably you're doing them a kindness. After all, chances are you know your horse better than anyone. If you believe euthanasia will cause your horse less pain and suffering, then you're probably right.

If you're wavering in the decision at all, get outside input. Margot, for instance, has great confidence in her veterinarian. If you've already gotten your vet's input but still are unsure, then don't be afraid to ask for a second vet's opinion, says Leslie. Getting as much information as possible up front can give you confidence that you're making the right decision, which can minimize any guilt or doubt afterward.

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN-ON YOUR SCHEDULE
Kathy and Leslie both feel they were lucky that when their horses passed away, they still had other

When grief goes too far

When your horse first passes on, it's only natural to grieve and cry. But, says psychologist Margot Nacey, Ph.D., there are signs that your grief may be heading in an unhealthy direction. "Some people get almost physically sick," she says. "People may sleep more or less. They may get a mild case of depression. People can even have a mild form of post-traumatic stress disorder with symptoms of its own, such as nightmares, anxiety and flashbacks."

If your grief is getting out of control instead of getting better, then you may want to consider professional help. Margot notes that she has had good luck helping people overcome loss with the use of a technique called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).

Used successfully to help soldiers overcome post-traumatic stress disorder resulting from combat, the technique must be directed by an EMDR-certified psychotherapist. Treatment involves having the patient talk through the traumatic event-in this case, their horse's death-and combines self-calming skills (like thinking of a safe place or soothing color) with a visual, auditory or tactile stimulation. The stimulation acts to dissipate the emotions of the trauma, removing the negative emotions and literally helping the brain to heal.

For more information about EMDR, visit Margot's web site www.mentaladvantagegf.com and click on Articles.

horses in their lives. While Kathy acknowledges "There's always a hole," she also says, "Because I have so many other horses, I just have to go on about my business."

And while Leslie misses her mare and the fearlessness that made her so special, she says, "It does help to have other horses. It's got to be tough when you don't have another horse around to give your love to."

If you don't have that equine support network, you may feel hesitant to pull your boots back on and dive back in with a new horse-and that's okay. "A lot of people don't want to go back to the barn or don't want to ride or won't accept another horse into their lives for a while," says Margot. "I don't say, `Hurry up and get another.' That may work for some people, but the vast majority of us need healing time-a little delay. If you're not motivated to ride, stick with that until you do feel ready."

While you're still healing from your loss, she adds, there's no reason to put yourself in a position that will simply trigger your grief. And buying another horse too soon can cause other issues. For instance, says Margot, people who own horses again before they've worked through the pain may panic about losing the new horse, too. Fear of loss can also cause you to hold back some love, making it hard to bond with the new horse.

While still encouraging people to take the time they need to heal, Margot urges people to "follow our wonderful animal models. Animals don't live in the past and they don't live in the future. They live in the present. And they open their hearts again and again." For instance, Margot fosters dachshund dogs, many of which have been neglected or abused before reaching her. "I'm always amazed, after they've been through so much trauma, that in a matter of months they'll open their hearts to be loved again and accept another human being."

What's more, says Margot, "Ask yourself, would your horse not want you to ride? I think most horses would say, `Enjoy another horse as much as you enjoyed me.' Animals can be such an inspiration."

Even when you feel ready to buy a new horse, selecting one can be tricky, as it may trigger memories of your old pal. One woman Margot knows specifically went out and bought another horse that seemed to be the complete opposite of the one she lost-only to discover that her new gelding had virtually the same personality as her late mare.

Kathy has known other people to take the opposite track, trying to find a horse that looks exactly

the same as their old buddy. "I think that's a mistake, because you're going to expect the new horse to be the same as the old one, and it's going to be different," she says.

Margot agrees. "Maybe it works for some people," she admits, "but [the new horse] will never live up to the old one. Every animal is an individual, and you can never replace the one you've lost. But you can fill that void."

THE LOVE TRADEOFF
Loss is simply a part of owning and loving horses. As Kathy says, "You have to be philosophical: If you're going to have animals, you'll have to be ready to lose them. If you can't deal with the loss, then you have to forego the love."

For those of us who choose to put our hearts on the line by owning horses, we have to come to grips with the fact that each loss hurts and leaves a little hole. But the good news is that grieving itself is part of the healing process. And when we let ourselves experience the process and accept the emotions, we can get past the pain and, like the animals we admire, learn to love again.